How to Cultivate Space for Gender Euphoria to Flourish

People in my life struggle to talk about me to others. Being non-binary I’m (thankfully) accepted but not necessarily understood by my family.

They understand that I’m trans, as in, not the gender I was assigned at birth. They understand that I’m neither a man nor a woman (or, at least, I think they understand that I feel this way).

I’ve been wracking my brain to come up with easy and accessible ways of describing gender expansive existence, of being assigned and socialized into a too-restrictive system from birth.

Here’s a fun and silly analogy I've settled on. It’s not perfect, but I think it hits the mark. Imagine a society where a specialist walks into every delivery room and examines the newborn baby.

This specialist’s job is to determine whether the baby will eat applesauce or mashed potatoes for the rest of its life. This choice will affect how the baby is treated and how the baby sees itself, as society has been built to reflect these two options back.

The specialist makes this decision based on the shape of the baby’s mouth—hmm, yes, says the specialist. This mouth is zero point five inches too small for a life of mashed potatoes. Applesauce baby it is!

All is well and wonderful and the family celebrates with applesauce for the applesauce baby. Only, I’ve left out some important details.

In this society, there are hundreds if not thousands of other types of food. An infinite combination for a potentially gastro-fantabulous life. Not to mention the dozens of other ways to even prepare apples and potatoes.

Not to mention that our beautiful applesauce baby from the delivery room will grow up and hunger…feel dissatisfied…feel perhaps incorrect…long and seek…but maybe they'll venture out (two-food society be damned!) and meet other explorers along the way to help them.

To meld analogy and reality: these moments of finding your flavors can be beautiful—a truly life affirming experience. How might we foster these life-affirming experiences, toward a world with more euphoric me’s and you’s?

Being an outspoken queer non-binary person, I’ve had many people come to me because they feel safe. They come to tell me about their gender, and how they don’t feel aligned with the gender society sees and assigns them.

They tell me about their sexuality, which is a source of secret shame in a society rife with compulsory heterosexuality (Adrienne Rich’s concept, essentially that we are straight until proven guilty of queerness).

Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong or bad about these feelings of being other. The wrongness and badness come from social pressure, come from moral myths, come from everywhere, as it can feel sometimes. Sometimes the call is even coming from inside the house.

Now, imagine how important it would feel, living with this feeling of wrongness, to step into a space where you’re not only allowed but welcomed and encouraged to explore yourself.

Maybe that means trying out a new, more fitting name. Maybe that means putting a dress on, or taking a dress off, or speaking with a voice that feels more like the authentic you.

For transgender and non-binary people these experiences of rightness often go hand-in-hand with the emotional state known as gender euphoria. Euphoria — from the greek eu meaning ‘well’ and pherein meaning ‘to bear,’ as in, well-borne or healthy — tends to conjure images of ecstatic parties.

In the context of gender euphoria, it returns to its original meaning signifying a state of wellbeing. Gender being one such dimension which bears on humans’ (all, not only trans people’s) wellbeing. It’s also important to note that you don’t need to first feel wrong in order to feel right.

And with that, I’d like to talk about you, dear reader. How are you doing? How are you feeling? When was the last time you felt happy? Joyful? Euphoric? Were you alone when you experienced these feelings? Or did someone help you achieve those states?

It’s easy, I think, to overlook the relational aspect of emotions. When you don’t get recognized, it’s frustrating. When someone refuses to see you for who you are, it’s maddening. On the flip side, when we are respected, held, and seen by our peers it can be elating.

In this way, we can all actively cultivate spaces and relationships where euphoria is a possibility, for ourselves and for others. Here are some tangible ways to begin cultivating space for gender euphoria to flourish.

Ask Your Friends

It might seem silly but oftentimes we don’t ask our friends if they need a safe space to explore aspects of themselves. It doesn’t need to be serious but it can be a nice way to remind your friends that you’re open to new possibilities for them!

Host a Party

You can begin cultivating a literal safe space for gender creative behavior by hosting a party where guests are encouraged to dress in ways they usually wouldn’t or express themselves in ways they want to try.

Remain Aware and Vocal

It’s important to always speak up; we’re seeing another tsunami of anti-trans bills sweep the United States. We need to work toward making every space safe by championing human rights through voting, donating, and speaking out.

Remember, There Is No ‘Destination’

Be open to friends trying new gender expressions and/or pronouns and not sticking to them. This doesn’t make people frauds, only shows people are strong enough to explore what works and what doesn’t. Otherwise, how will we ever know what fits?

Be Soft

Try to be gentle with yourself as you explore your gender identity, as well as friends exploring new gender expressions. Give honest feedback when asked, but try to not be too harsh with it. It can be terrifying to change how you’re perceived, believe me.